


brighter than before

by royalgreen (allyoop)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Campaign 1 (Critical Role), Feel-good, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, No Spoilers, Romantic Fluff, fluffy fluff fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:33:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22040365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyoop/pseuds/royalgreen
Summary: A near death encounter shakes some sense into Vax'ildan, and he finally realizes that something important to him is something he can't quite live without.Canon divergence, so no real spoilers. If you've seen up to episode 35 or so, you should be okay.
Relationships: Shaun Gilmore & Vax'ildan, Shaun Gilmore/Vax'ildan
Comments: 5
Kudos: 90





	brighter than before

**Author's Note:**

> Critmas gift for a friend. Now that she's read it, I'm posting it here :) Happy holidays everyone!

He had just returned from the brink of death, again. And most unfortunately, most inevitably, not for the last time. 

Vax wasn’t thinking clearly, or maybe he was for the first time in all his years. It was like when he had first seen what magic could do; how bare hands could grow life from dirt, how faith could fix the unfixable. He didn’t understand it, couldn’t even begin to try, but he still felt its power. He kept to the shadows as he walked along the buildings, but his path seemed clearly illuminated before him. A puzzle he had been previously ignoring, except for the quiet moments he had to himself before sleep, had finally clicked into place inside him.

He knocked on the door and waited.

Vax could hear a slight creak of a floorboard behind the door, the small tingle on his neck of a watchful eye, then the door flew open.

“Vax’ildan, my dear boy, whatever are you doing here this late at night?” Gilmore greeted him, resplendent as always in his purple robes and glorious smile. It faltered when he took in Vax’s less-than-stunning appearance, caked in sandy dirt and rusty dried blood. His expression grew serious. “Are you hurt? Did something happen?”

“Yes, and no. Gilmore, I-”

“Let’s not linger out in the cold night, come in please.” He took Vax by the hand and led him inside. This late at night, there weren’t any lamps illuminating the halls of goods and wares on display. A few solitary flames held vigil on the main desk, dancing magically just-too-far above their candle pillars. Most of the light in the room bounced from behind the familiar beaded curtains towards the back of the room.

Gilmore still held his hand and Vax wasn’t quite ready to let go. “I know I probably woke you, I’m sorry for visiting this late at night. I wouldn’t normally, but I couldn’t wait. I didn’t think I  _ should _ wait.”

“Nonsense, nonsense. You know I  _ always _ have time for you, Vax’ildan.”

“Yes, that’s part of why I’m…” He turned his hand in Gilmore’s, lacing their fingers together. “You’re right, I do have a problem. It’s why I came here tonight. Well, it’s not really a  _ problem _ , but it is something that I’ve been thinking about for a while. I didn’t want to deal with it, didn’t really know how to deal with at first.” Vax looked up, forcing himself to hold Gilmore’s gaze steady. “I almost died tonight.”

A flash of emotions crossed Gilmore’s face in a second. Worry, anger, shock, and then all melted away into a softness. Gilmore raised his other hand up, almost like he was going to reach for Vax’s face, but settled on his shoulder. “I am very glad you didn’t.”   


The tenderness in his voice made Vax inhale shakily.  _ Why am I so afraid? _ There was so little risk here; he knew how Gilmore felt about him. In some ways, Vax always knew how Gilmore felt, even if it had taken a while to meet him there too. But this freely given tenderness was something else. Vax could throw daggers at the face of death with a laugh, but this still scared him.

“I don’t want to keep secrets. My whole life has been learning how to become a shadow; a pair of eyes that silently watched, a body tuned to sense threats and hurt them before they can hurt me. It is no way to live.”

“Vax’ildan, you know I think no ill towards how you-”

“Please.” He squeezed Gilmore’s hand again. “Please. I’ve been doing so much thinking, so many sleepless nights, and I’ve been trying to change. Not because anyone told me to, not because I’m forced to, but because I want to be better. Be something other than this… this collection of weapons and secrets and years of baggage all wrapped up in a terrible mixture. I don’t  _ talk _ to most people, not really. I hide so much. But I don’t want to anymore. I want to be better,  _ do _ better.”

Gilmore’s hand on his shoulder had moved upwards while Vax spoke, gently cupping his jaw and his thumb rubbing slow circles across Vax's cheek. “What are you saying?”

“I don’t want to keep things from you.”

“Like what, Vax’ildan?”

“Anything.” His voice was just above a whisper, making Gilmore lean further in to catch it all. “Things like my feelings.” Vax closed his eyes and leaned into Gilmore’s touch now, trying to let his actions finish his sentences.

“And what are your feelings?” Vax looked back at Gilmore, surprised to see the tiniest glimmer of doubt under the confident composure he was so used to from the man. 

“That night at the bar -so long ago, so many lives ago- when I said goodbye to you. I thought I could leave what we had behind. Move on elsewhere. But I don’t think I can leave you behind,  _ ever _ . When I was hurt tonight, almost dead but pulled back from the edge, I woke surrounded by my friends and their love. I felt so full of their love, so grateful, but still I regretted never saying… never telling  _ you _ the right thing. I said goodbye when I should I have said I love you.”

A grin broke across Gilmore’s face like a sunrise. “ _ Oh _ , Vax’ildan. Really? Really, truly? You’ve teased me before.”

“I love you Shaun Gilmore.” Vax grinned back at him, feeling like a dam had finally broken within him and he could do nothing but smile for the rest of his life. How had he every frowned before?

“And you know my feelings, surely by now-”

“I’d like to hear it still, Gilmore. It’s a wonderful thing to hear aloud.”

Both of Gilmore’s hands were cupping Vax’s face now, framing him in the gentlest of touches as he leaned in. “I love you, Vax’ildan. I loved you then and I love you now. And I’m fairly certain I’ll love you beyond that.”

Vax crossed that last inch, pursuing the first kiss he should have had with Gilmore all that time ago. Warm, soft, and their private moment to share. It wasn’t perfect, as most things are not; they bumped noses, hands caught in folds of fabric, necessary breaths turned into laughs. And Vax discovered that layers of armor were not conducive for kissing at all. But here they finally gloriously were; sharing a moment that spoke all the words they meant to say months ago.

Vax knew he would never fully shake off his shadows, but he was just as certain that a ray of light feels brighter and more precious when it cuts through a long dark night.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are appreciated.


End file.
